Maybe that’s because I am too honest and can’t spin a good story for my own sake. I tell myself it’s about the razzle dazzle every day, and yet I don’t do anything to fix it. Maybe it’s as simple as some razzle dazzle, and the art of the presentation. I can’t be confident in myself and tell anyone to pay me. I know because he exists I can’t market myself. I see the guy doing the amazing edits that are funny and impressive and visually stunning and I just can’t believe I’m not him. I can’t do it yet, and I don’t know how to get there. I watch a lot of professionally done stuff, and I look at other freelancers’ work all the time, and I just can’t do it. If I want to be hired to make videos in the area I want to, I’m not at the level where they would hire me yet. ![]() It’s a fact (in my perspective), and that is something I am really wrestling with. Well, I guess I don’t have to really wonder that–I don’t think I’m good enough. But what I get from watching them is discovering what is possible, which makes me wonder, why is that not possible for me? What am I doing wrong? Where am I misdirecting my effort? How could they be possibly doing better than me, when I’m trying as hard as I can? What makes me not good enough? I really don’t mind being later than my peers. There’s no use in comparing to others, especially based on age. It doesn’t matter whether you start anything when you’re 17 or when you’re 28. What are they doing that I’m not? Are they finding these opportunities because they’re students? What if I am soon no longer a student? Do I have to work harder? And I know cerebrally that pace doesn’t matter. I am genuinely happy for their success, but I am also envious and anxious. It doesn’t help that all my friends are doing wildly amazing recently, landing a lot of jobs that I am frankly quite jealous of. (This is like some sort of fallacious probability reasoning that you are supposed to avoid in the AMC8 or something.) But maybe it’s because my luck has been so good so far, that I imagine there has to be some bad luck coming my way at some point too. And I know that even if something isn’t perfect you can make it into the right path. At every major transition point in my short life so far, I failed to plan the next step and the perfect opportunity comes flying into my lap anyway. I didn’t try to start junior year, because it was my first year at this university and I needed time to adjust, and now that I’m a senior, it feels too late. With one quarter left to go, I don’t think I have enough time left to get started before I go. Everyone says to get an internship while you’re in college, because finding them gets much harder after college, and all those internships will turn into jobs, or at least the next opportunity. I’m so worried that I’ll lose the resources and community I have here to get my career started after I’m gone. I realized while talking to my professor that I have a lot of pent-up anxiety about graduating. Instead, I barely was holding myself together until I could scream and cry alone. After the video came out, I thought I’d be bragging all day to everybody I knew, in every way I could. It came with the whole package–crying in front of one of my professors, eating carbs until I couldn’t eat anymore, drowning myself in TFT and League of Legends, typing too many words to friends I barely made, sabotaging my sleep on finals week, and raising hormone levels enough to break out. Today was supposed to be a really happy day for me and something I could celebrate. If I could tell myself from six and a half years ago that I would get to work on something for Cloud9, I wouldn’t believe me, and I would also freak out. On International Women’s Day, a video I worked on for Cloud9 came out on YouTube, receiving thousands of views and a lot of positive feedback.
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